Anxiously Awaiting My Freedom… And Feeling Guilty About It.

starting school

Jocelyn is more than ready for September!!!

I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty… but I do. I feel terrible that I am anxiously awaiting my freedom. I am consumed with guilt that I am counting down the days until my youngest daughter starts school. I guess I feel bad because I always wanted to be home raising my kids, but I never expected that I would crave my freedom back so badly.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my days home with my little girl. It’s just a combination of contributing factors that is making September seem like the light at the end of the tunnel. First off… Jocelyn is a January baby and was more than ready to start school this year. She is totally bored being home with me. No matter what I plan, or how much effort I put into our days, she wants to know, ‘who else is coming to play?’. I have her in a few programs, but realistically, until I start working more, there is only so much money in the budget for preschool programs. I honestly think that she is just as excited to start school, as I am for her.

Another factor is the whole career thing. I am super happy with having a few great freelance clients that provide me with the flexibility to work at night and on days that are convenient for me. With this being said, it would be nice to have all my options open. There have been many job offers that have come through that are just not the right fit because I’ve never wanted to work full time. I am really looking forward to having all my options open, and not feeling held back by my commitments at home. Whether that means I can take on more work with my current clients, or maybe be more open to future job offers… I seriously can’t wait for an excuse to maybe look a little more presentable on a more routine basis.

And the last contributing factor to my ‘countdown’, is the fact that I am selfishly anticipating maybe just a taste of what I call ‘free time’. I know most people don’t get a day to do whatever they want. But, with being a shift work family, there really isn’t this thing everyone calls ‘weekends’. All the days just mesh into one another, and neither my husband or I ever seem to have a moment to just take a breath and maybe just do something we want to do. I seriously can’t even imagine the weight that will be lifted when I have maybe a day to do housework/cooking/laundry without the constant screaming of ‘mom…MOM… MOM!!!!’ And then of course, I fantasize about going for a run and maybe even being able to accomplish 10 miles without worrying I’m not going to make it back in time for dance, gymnastics or for my husband to get to work.

So this all makes sense, right? So why do I feel so guilty? Is it because I should want to keep my kids home with me forever and ever, because I love them immensely. Does the desire to be away from them mean that I love them less than what I am supposed to? Or is it maybe the fact that I have been putting everyone’s needs before my own for so long, that I naturally feel bad about wanting this freedom for myself? I don’t really know. What I do know is that I feel guilty. I shouldn’t… but I do. I guess the point of all this is to let the other moms who feel the same way that I do know, that it’s okay. It’s okay to want your freedom back, and we can’t help how that makes us feel. I know I will get over the guilt, and so will you. And if you don’t feel guilty about the desire to ship your kids off to school, that’s great – because you shouldn’t. Just make sure you share with all the moms out there, how important it is to not get too consumed with the guilt that comes with anxiously awaiting your freedom.

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