They Fail to Mention the ‘Annoying Toys’ in the Parenting Handbook.

When I was pregnant I read ALL the books about the do’s and don’ts and what to expect through nine months of wonderful bliss. You would have thought that after I realized how deceiving and downright wrong these books were, I would never pick up another ‘advice’ book again. And yet I have read many books cover to cover about how to be the best parent I can possibly be. Hmm… I’m sure you can already see where this post is going. In case you have yet to pick up your first ‘self help’ parenting scripture, I am going to do you a favor and just tell you to pass that aisle all together.

After reading one of these great books, and a few motivating websites, I decided I was going to sport a brand new attitude. I wasn’t going to yell or even raise my voice the slightest. I was going to have infinite amounts of patience. I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be, and nothing was going to stop me. And then my day started. As my three and five year olds stampeded into my bedroom to wake me at 6:24 am, all hell broke loose.

‘I’m hungry. Can I have breakfast?’

‘No… go back to bed.’

‘I want to shower. Can you turn on the shower? Can we shower together?’

‘No… and no… go back to bed.’

‘You have bad breath. Like really bad mom. You smell like a stinky monkey.’

‘That’s it… everyone out of bed. Shower then breakfast. No more talking.’

I still totally had control of the morning. I got everyone showered and ready for school, and then sat down to have my tea. This is one thing that is non-negotiable in the morning… I need five minutes to drink my tea and have a bowl of cereal. I cannot function without food and caffeine.

‘Mommmm!! James is sitting on my favourite couch!’

‘Owwww!!! Jocelyn bit me!!!!’

Okay, seriously… where is the so-called expert that wrote the ‘know it all’ parenting handbook now. Deep breaths. Serenity now. I send them each to their rooms to think about their behaviour while I make lunches and try to slurp back my tea. Forget about breakfast. Where’s that chapter in the parenting handbook? Moms don’t get to eat breakfast in the morning. EVER. I am determined to stay calm and have a ‘normal’ morning routine.

As I try to keep my ‘zen’ attitude about everything, I find myself grinding my teeth extremely tight and not really being able to pinpoint what is bothering me so much. The kids aren’t fighting. The lunches are finally packed. What is it that has me ready to go off the deep end? Oh yes… it’s the annoying noise that is bellowing down the hallway. What noise am I referring to? It is the sound of every annoying toy that was ever purchased by friends and family. I use the terms ‘friend’ and ‘family’ lightly, because I am pretty sure whoever purchased these satanic toys may in fact be working with the ‘so-called’ parenting experts to sell more of their amazing books on being a ‘calm’ parent.

So as the ‘barking puppy’ continued to make high pitched yelping noises, the piano played repetitious renditions of awful musical ballads and the pinball machine loudly chorused the most obnoxious jingle in history… I naturally lost my patience. It wasn’t just the noise though. No. The last straw was when I went into to see if they were ready for school, only to find them with their clothes off, a yogurt drink spilt and crust from their raisin toast thrown all over the hallway. It wasn’t until that moment did I totally lose my ‘zen’.

No one ever writes chapters or articles on ‘how to survive annoying sounding toys… while pulling off supermom’. Because, after all, any mother who listens to toys like that all day long, is definitely a supermom. So, this is my chapter. This is my article. I am not a parenting expert, and I don’t have any degree in… anything really. But I am a mother and an expert at taking out batteries of those annoying toys that will put you over the edge. This is my chapter for all the moms out there who lost their ‘mommy zen’ today, and will inevitably lose it again in the near future.

Comments are closed.